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Pocket of Grief

There you are old friend

This time you snuck up on me

You first showed your subtle presence granting me a false sense of control

My inner world felt swirly and chaotic like bursts and fits in a solar system

If I just make this right I’ll be ok

If this person just does this I’ll be ok, an undercurrent of panic and lack of safety

I became the exquisite project manager of my life, trying to get all of the details in order

Trying trying trying to manage my outer world so that my inner world feels right

It didn’t work, it never does

That’s when I should have realized you were trying to get my attention

I finally tuned in, sat quietly and the familiar tears came

Baptizing this moment, a fresh moment, with the revival of sweet love

Grief cradles me against the boundaries of her container

These boundaries provide safety and security, a fearlessness to release and let go

There is no sense of groundlessness this time, I know it’s finite yet there’s no time

It’s ok to feel and experience this loss

There were signs, signals that it was coming

Everywhere I look, there you are, you are in the thoughts that I think

I miss you to the moon and back

I dreamed of you last night, it was an ordinary moment

The ordinary moments were the best

I knew even then that those moments were finite

That’s the constellation of grief that I’m in today

The precious truth that everything I see, everyone I love is temporary

I grieve that today too

I surrender to the ache in my heart

This ache

The ache of profound love, too tender to touch sometimes

There is a bittersweet quality here

That’s all

I’ll just be here for now

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