There you are old friend
This time you snuck up on me
You first showed your subtle presence granting me a false sense of control
My inner world felt swirly and chaotic like bursts and fits in a solar system
If I just make this right I’ll be ok
If this person just does this I’ll be ok, an undercurrent of panic and lack of safety
I became the exquisite project manager of my life, trying to get all of the details in order
Trying trying trying to manage my outer world so that my inner world feels right
It didn’t work, it never does
That’s when I should have realized you were trying to get my attention
I finally tuned in, sat quietly and the familiar tears came
Baptizing this moment, a fresh moment, with the revival of sweet love
Grief cradles me against the boundaries of her container
These boundaries provide safety and security, a fearlessness to release and let go
There is no sense of groundlessness this time, I know it’s finite yet there’s no time
It’s ok to feel and experience this loss
There were signs, signals that it was coming
Everywhere I look, there you are, you are in the thoughts that I think
I miss you to the moon and back
I dreamed of you last night, it was an ordinary moment
The ordinary moments were the best
I knew even then that those moments were finite
That’s the constellation of grief that I’m in today
The precious truth that everything I see, everyone I love is temporary
I grieve that today too
I surrender to the ache in my heart
This ache
The ache of profound love, too tender to touch sometimes
There is a bittersweet quality here
That’s all
I’ll just be here for now
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